Harlequin Heart

 

September 16, 2021

By: LC Harrison

I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer, but out of my mouth came the words, "How did you know?," I asked her, as I thought I had been careful to conceal such a coveted secret. I knew she often knew and could see through me, but this I thought she could not have known. Surely, it couldn't be that obvious. Doubts crossed my mind and insecurities began to fill my spirit; it was at this moment she replied, "I felt it, but questioned; still, it felt true to me. I am right then; it is true?" I felt reassured to know that it wasn't completely obvious, that no-one had betrayed me, it was just her usual knowing; still, I thought to myself, what should my response and reaction be? She stared at me, her third eye closed, which always made it easier to be around her, and sometimes she would cover it with her hair or a bright pink or violet silk scarf. I shouldn't be so insecure around her; we are both unlike any others, but I often feel out of place just the same, and this, this I had thought was well hidden.

I attempted to manage a smile, but felt like a harlequin fool. How could I have felt it good to keep anything from her, especially something so important? "Should I put my scarf on?," she asked, breaking my thoughts. "Your eye is closed," I told her knowing that she never could tell, unless gazing into a mirror, "You don't have to hide from me. You can always be your beautiful self. Only do so, if it makes you feel beautiful and confident," I reassured her. "I think I will," she said, and I watched as she artfully tied her violet scarf around her head, her platinum hair soft about her shoulders. My mind wandered back to her proclamation that had started off our most recent discussion this evening. 

"I know," she had said, "I know what you haven't said about your true self. Behind the mask you wear, you are the opposite of what you attempt to show the world. I want you to know that I accept it, and I love you just the same." Somehow she knew that I didn't feel the same on the inside, as I show on the outside, and even seemed to know that it didn't change how I felt about her. My androgyny didn't change how she felt for me, despite this reassurance, I felt vulnerable and exposed from behind my safe sequin mask covered in colored rainbow prisms. No amount of my make-up had hidden the truth, and now my insecurities bubbled under my awkward skin. Why hadn't I just told her and let our love be; why had I kept it secret from her for so long, I allowed these thoughts to grapple through my mind, as I struggled to handle my emotions.

My inner ill feeling must have shown through, because she asked, "Are you feeling all right? We can stay in, if you would rather?" I swallowed and shook my head no. She reached for my hand. Every time she tied her scarf about her third eye, she became blind, especially at night, and then she relied on me, trusting me to not lead her into danger. I became her protector and guide, and I hoped I could trust her just the same.

It was a rather dark new moon night, and we were headed to our favorite club. We were almost there when she suddenly said, "Stop." Which, of course I did. "We are not safe," she said to me, "I see someone up ahead, who is looking to pick a fight, and one of us may not be all right, if we continue on." I should have known better, but I said to her, "There is no-one up ahead. Trust me, we are safe." I led her on, and that was all I could remember, as I laid there on the street gazing blind up at her. I could no longer see her scarf, and I felt pressure against my chest. "I am holding my scarf as tightly to your wound as I can," she said to me or someone nearby. I could hear sirens, that is the last I heard her speak. How could she have known, I thought; how could she have known?

~The End...